I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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