I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
