Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
