guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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