So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
