when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
