dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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