Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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