was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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