Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This house was built for laser tag.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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