chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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