Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
