I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
