Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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