Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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