Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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