I hate all girls vehemently.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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