Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
