you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So much rum. So many feels.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
