This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
3pm strippers are depressing
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
