apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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