dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
