When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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