I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
