If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
