apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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