god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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