Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
