Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
