Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
