Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
