Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
