Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
