Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
