btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
