I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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