the condom got lost in my hair
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
