D3 body, D1 cock
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
