I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
