Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
