am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
