I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
