I'm going to jail i love you
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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