Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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