If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
