Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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