Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
