I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
