I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
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