also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
