Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
