dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We talked him into tasing himself.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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