I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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