apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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