Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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