someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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